Mid-Life Motherhood: Time Slip - Part 2

Elizabeth's comment on my previous post reminded me of something else I meant to add. For her the hardest thing about mid-life motherhood is that her youngest daughter will have 22 years less time with her than her eldest child. I'm not sure why, but this doesn't particularly bother me - maybe because Tevye's mother died when he was six, so I would be grateful just to make it long enough to see all three girls into adulthood.

What bugs me more is that generation crunch kicking in again with grandchildren. Just as I am old enough to be Cherub's grandmother, I will be old enough to be her children's great-grandmother. I have seen in my own mother the difference in being a grandmother at 70 and a grandmother at 80. At 70 she was still fit enough to be an active, hands-on grandma; at 80 she isn't. She can hold Cherub, but she can't carry her. She can't babysit because she is no longer able to cope with the more physically demanding aspects of caring for a young child. It frustrates her, and I know that if I reach that stage, it would frustrate me.

Reading my previous post Tevye felt I was being unusually negative. And yes, for me this is the aspect of older motherhood that has most downsides, and one that I find a bit unsettling. The time slippage became a reality for me when Tevye and I started talking seriously about retirement plans. When pension quotes from his old company started arriving, we realised retirement was no longer something way off on the horizon, but close enough to need real consideration. And we had a toddler. Did. Not. Compute. And even though I have thought it through since, I still find it strange and confusing.

Not to worry. I have one more post on mid-life motherhood to write. A much more positive one.

Mid-Life Motherhood: Time Slip

One aspect of mid-life motherhood that never occurred to me until Cherub came along is the way it makes life stages slide around and crash into each other like tectonic plates.

Right now, for me the young (or not-so-young!) Mum stage has collided with the mother of older children phase. With Cherub I move in circles where even mothers with older children rarely have a child over 6 or 7, and many only have a 3 or 4 year old and maybe a baby or toddler. They talk about playgroups and lower schools; I'm more used to middle and upper school, SATS and GCSEs. Then most of my friends with older children don't have any children younger than 10, so are not exactly tuned in to potty training and toddler tantrums.

For Tevye there is a complete generation gap between himself and his work colleagues - or rather between his children and theirs. At 52 he is the second youngest of the seven who work in his office, whose ages range from early 50s to early 60s. None of the others have children still in school (the youngest just finished) and three colleagues are grandparents. Tevye has a child only just out of nappies.

As we get older this crunch between life stages - both our own, and ours compared to our peers - is going to repeat itself. The "empty nest" stage will be squeezed out completely between the family life stage and retirement. We will almost certainly be retired and living on a pension while Cherub is still at school.

The idea of being both an "old age pensioner" and the mother of a teenager is kind of strange. It has both positives and negatives. We are financially more stable than many younger families, having bought our house at a time when house prices were barely a third of what they are now, and I'm hopeful that having Cherub around will keep us feeling younger. On the other hand, parenthood gets more tiring with age, and the risk of health problems grows. And for us, missing out (at least partly) on the opportunity to spend time together as couple while (hopefully) still fit and well enough to enjoy it is a sacrifice. Of course, life comes with no guarantees whatever age one has children, and mid-life motherhood has plenty of compensations, but in effect we will lose a whole life stage.

Pros and cons, this peculiar time slip thing.

Mid-Life Motherhood: The Myth

I have been thinking for a while of writing a couple of posts reflecting on my experience of mid-life motherhood, starting over with a baby at what in maternal terms is considered an advanced age (forty five). For the record, I haven't been mistaken for Cherub's grandmother yet, though I guess the day will come ...

OK. The myth.

Having a baby late in life keeps you young.

It doesn't. Or, at least, physically it doesn't. It makes you feel old, tired and creaky. There is a reason that the mid-to-late forties is right at the back end of female fertility. Unless you are very fit and very fortunate, pregnancy and mothering a small child is physically more demanding in your forties than it is in your thirties (or, I'm sure, your twenties, though I have no experience of that). It hurts. I have loved nursing all three of my babies, but this time round it gave me muscle and joint aches that I hadn't suffered before. Carrying a baby (both before and after birth) was harder; pushing a stroller uphill harder; buckling a struggling toddler into a car seat harder. You get the picture. Oddly - and blessedly - I found the lost and interrupted sleep easier this time, which given that Cherub has been my worst sleeper is just as well.

When I take Cherub to toddler groups or activities I am almost inevitably the oldest mother there. Generally speaking the age gap isn't too obvious because there are others in their late thirties and early forties, and I (so I'm told) look younger than my almost-49. The more obvious gap is usually in experience, because few have other children older than say five or six. Fortunately the age and experience gap doesn't seem to stop me making new friends among mothers from Cherub's social circle, though there are times when that gap jumps up and hits me and makes me feel old. For example, things I remember that are way before my friends' memory span (old money, the Beatles, England winning the World Cup - I was a sixties child!).

Having said that, I can see that as time goes on, having a relatively young child will help to keep me more active and more engaged with younger people (both children and adults). I will just have to keep remembering to suppress the creaking and groaning as I move.

And of course, although it has been a physical struggle at times, having this gorgeous little person in my life has been a joy, and all the more so because it was one I never expected to encounter. There are still times when I have to pinch myself to believe it. I may feel old and knackered, but at least I am happily old and knackered!

A Rant

... about something that bugs me.

Teenagers.

Not the kids themselves, but attitudes to them. If I had a pound for every time someone has groaned or expressed sympathy when I tell them I have a fourteen year old, I'd be a rich woman ... well, OK, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration, but I would certainly have enough to keep me in chocolate for quite some time.

I always told Angel was looking forward to her becoming a teenager - quite genuinely, and also hoping to counteract some of the bad press teens get - and I was right to do so. At fourteen she is a mature, responsible young woman, and a joy to have around. So far, the teens have been her easiest age. And it really bugs me that people assume that as soon as they hit their teens kids turn into some sort of parental torture device. How often does that become a self-fulfilling prophecy I wonder?

The Road to Financial Independence

Melanie at The Wine-Dark Sea has written a post on money and rewarding obedience, which reminded me that I have intended for a while to write about how we handle pocket money and allowances.

While there are some good arguments for linking children's allowances to chores, particularly the idea of teaching them that money needs to be earned, we opted not to go down that route. We had two reasons: firstly, we felt that helping around the house is simply part of being a family; secondly, because as the girls get older they get an allowance to buy things we would otherwise expect to buy for them. We do occasionally pay them for specific chores as a way of helping them get extra money if they are saving for something, and Angel now gets a small amount for babysitting, but the bulk of their money comes without strings attached.

Our main aim has been to help the girls learn to the skills they will need to handle their own finances well as adults. We try to teach them to manage money by gradually increasing their financial responsibilities. To start with, they get a small amount of pocket money - purely fun money, that they can spend on whatever they want. Our rule of thumb has been ten pence for each year of age, starting when they were four. The trigger for first giving Angel pocket money was the attraction of slot machines for bubble gum and junky trinkets outside the leisure centre where I took her for swimming lessons. The first few weeks she had pocket money, it all went into those machines. Then the novelty wore off and I never had to deal with hopeful pleading for twenty pence pieces again.

When Angel turned eleven, we started giving her an allowance of twenty pounds a month and specific responsibilities. We opened a bank account for her which provides a cash card from age eleven and a debit card from thirteen, and paid her allowance by direct debit into her account. Lots of financial lessons there - how to operate an ATM, how to pay cash into an account, direct debits and standing orders, reading bank statements, interest (what were those extra pennies going into her account?), and keeping track of balances. Out of her allowance Angel had to buy her own clothes and fund her mobile phone (we do phones early, but only on a pay-as-you-go basis).

At thirteen Angel's allowance increased to thirty pounds a month, but she now has to pay for her own social life and incidental expenses ... say she wants to take the train to the next town and go ice skating or to the cinema with friends, she pays; or if she wants to grab lunch while she is out, she pays. At fourteen, she got another small rise in her allowance, which now includes five pounds in return for babysitting for one evening during the month so that Tevye and I can go out. If she wants more money in future, it will have to be earned - she has just started helping out at her gym, and is planning on doing coaching qualifications so that she can get some paid work there. Having her own allowance has worked out beautifully. Angel takes her responsibilities seriously, budgets her money carefully, and enjoys the sense of independence it gives her.

We are planning to take exactly the same approach with the other two girls. One small tweak we have made with Star is that we switched her pocket money from weekly to monthly at ten, so she currently gets five pounds a month rather than the pound a week we gave Angel. She is very much looking forward to August when she will get her own bank account and allowance. Angel prefers dealing with cash and has opted not to use her debit card. Star, on the other hand, wants an account with a different bank as she is keen to get a debit card when she is eleven and this bank will provide one. It is going to be interesting to see how she handles her money, as she is a very different character to Angel.

A Constructive Use of Time

I spent a very large chunk of this morning trying to build this Playmobil castle for Little Cherub to play with.


It hasn't been out since before Cherub was born, the instructions are long gone, and it had got tangled up with bits of an old style magician's workshop.

After peering at pictures on ebay, I finally managed to get everything together into a credible looking castle.

Aren't you impressed to hear what a constructive use I make of my time.

Literally.

Ouch!

I am mortified.

As I watched Little Cherub play yesterday, I realised that whenever she bent down to pick up a toy, or got up from the floor, she groaned like a stiff old middle aged lady with aching joints.

I wonder where she could possibly have got that from?

I knew mid-life motherhood would have its hazards. I was geared up to being mistaken for her grandmother (hasn't happened yet!). But a creaking, groaning toddler?

Ouch!

A Mother's Job

I always enjoy reading Melanie Bettinelli's blog, The Wine-Dark Sea. I find it particularly easy to picture her little daughter Isabella as she is just a couple of weeks older than my Little Cherub, but it is the combination of snippets about Isabella with truly thoughtful posts that mean I am always glad to see The Wine-Dark Sea highlighted on Bloglines.

In a recent post Melanie gets to the heart of a mother's true job ... not just to nurture our children, but to teach them the hope that is in us:

The world is a harsh place. It's a fallen world, a world of sin and thus of suffering. But my primary job as a mother is to teach my children the good news that sin and death have been conquered and human suffering has been redeemed. Although this world is a vale of tears, there is another world that awaits us: heaven. And we can participate in this other world here and now through our love and self-sacrifice and through God's grace in the sacraments, and most especially in the holy sacrifice of the mass which is heaven on earth.

I cannot fully protect Isabella from the harsh realities of living in a world marred by sin. Already I have learned that I cannot shelter her completely from bodily pain, from hunger and tiredness and from fear. But I can teach her love. I can hug her, kiss her, rock her, comfort her when she falls or when she gets a shot. I can teach her about Jesus and help her find hope in the dark times and help her to walk in God's paths so that one day we may both find our true home in the place where there is no pain, no suffering, no sin, only love and peace.

You can read the whole post here.

Thursday Thirteen #20: 40 Reasons to Have Kids

Yes, forty is the new thirteen ... but after reading Karen's and Sarah's lists I couldn't resist adding my own selection. Here are forty rather more lighthearted reasons for having children (Karen set out the real reasons far better than I could do).

Why have children? When you have children you get to ...

1. Stuff your pockets full of conkers.
2. Ride rollercoasters
3. Eat more ice cream
4. Re-read beloved books from your childhood.
5. Find new beloved children's books.
6. Have tickling fights.
7. Play on the swings.
8. Whizz down slides.
9. Visit the zoo.
10. Watch fun movies.
11. Jump in puddles.
12. Enjoy sloppy kisses.
13. Cuddle a lot.
14. Play board games.
15. Tell stories.
16. Sing songs.
17. Listen to jokes.
18. Bake cakes.
19. Ride bikes.
20. Row boats.
21. Draw and paint.
22. Make scrapbooks.
23. Throw parties.
24. Take picnics to the woods.
25. Play on the beach.
26. Borrow your daughter's iPod.
27. Have your nails painted by your own personal manicurist.
28. Have your hair arranged by your own personal hairdresser.
29. Go clothes shopping with your own personal fashion adviser.
30. Kick balls.
31. Throw frisbees.
32. Fly kites.
33. Go swimming.
34. Pick blackberries.
35. Watch fireworks.
36. Play in the snow.
37. Visit Father Christmas.
38. Fill stockings.
39. Make new friends.
40. Laugh a lot.

40 Reasons to Have Kids

Don't miss Karen Edmisten's 40 reasons to have kids, written in response to a French psychologist (and mother!) who declares she regrets having children and has published a book detailing 40 reasons not to have them.

Baby abuse

A new TV series started this week in which families try out different approaches to babycare taken from classic twentieth century childcare "experts": Doctor Spock, Jean Liedloff (The Continuum Concept) and Truby King, who spawned the "put them on a routine, leave them to cry and dump them in the garden in a pram for hours" school of parenting. Angel and I watched in horror as a tiny baby (only a few days old) was left to scream while its parents and the mentor they had been allocated sat downstairs drinking a glass of wine. The baby's older sister - quite naturally - could not understand why nobody (including the mother) was allowed to cuddle the baby. The mentor was of the opinion that no rational parent wanted their lives interrupted by a baby, and there was no reason the baby should be "allowed" to demand attention.

I am not sure whether the government's E-Petitions site is worth its bandwidth, but there are occasions on which signing one at least makes me feel better. If you are a British citizen or resident you can sign one asking the Prime Minister "to take urgent action to protect infants and their parents from television programmes that promote outdated and discredited parenting theories" here.

A Parenting Checklist

I am still reading Children Who Are Not Yet Peaceful (I think I have around seven books on the go simultaneously. Not surprisingly I haven't finished any in a while!), and I thought these suggestions for family life for an early elementary child - ages 6 to 9 - were worth sharing. Donna Bryant Goertz recommends:

• A slow-paced lifestyle with long hours of sleep on a regular schedule, a nutritious diet high in protein and fresh fruits and vegetables, plenty of exercise, and a generous amount of time in nature.
• Someone to behold the child's face with joy, hold her, hug her, and treasure her for herself alone.
• Someone to read chapter books aloud for twenty to thirty minutes every day, at a level three years beyond the child's reading level.
• Someone to recite poetry every day, a new poem each week.
• Someone to sing every day, a new song each week.
• Someone to tell delightful stories of the child's own life.
  
• An atmosphere of open curiosity and inquiry, in which everyone in the family treasures learning.
• Responsibility for caring for himself and his own things as well as contributing to meal preparation and the care of the house, garden, and pets.
  
• A two-hour weekly limit on all screen media - movies, videos, TV, and computer games - combined.
• Freedom from being dragged around on errands.
• Freedom from the cynicism and sarcasm appropriate to later years.
  
• Parents who say no cheerfully and mean it.
  
• Parents who wait until their children are in bed to listen to music, watch movies, play computer games, and watch TV programs, even the news, that are not appropriate to the children's ages or that would give children more media hours than is best for their development.
  
• Parents who establish and uphold a family child-rearing culture that is appropriate the the child's age and who support age-appropriate independent thought and action and an age-appropriate role in decision making in as many areas and as often as possible.
  

I think Charlotte Mason would have approved.

I fall woefully short on almost all of these, but this list gives me a number of ideas for things to work on with Star, and for the future with Little Cherub.

Love or convenience?

From The Secret of Childhood by Maria Montessori

When the child goes to bed in the evening he calls the loved person and begs him not to go away. When we go in to dinner the tiny child that still feeds at his mother's breast would like to come with us, to stay near to watch us, not to eat. The adult passes by this mystical love without perceiving it. But the little one who so loves us will grow up, will vanish. And who will ever love us as he does? Who else will ever summon us on going to bed, saying, "Stay with me"? When the child is grown, he will say an indifferent "Good night". Who then will be eager just to watch us while we eat, though he eats nothing? We defend ourselves against this love that will pass away, and we shall never find anything to equal it. We in our turmoil say, "I haven't time, I can't, I have a lot to do," and we think in our hearts, "The child must be taught better, or he will make us his slaves." What we want is to be free from him to do what we ourselves like doing, so as not to give up our convenience.

Thursday Thirteen #15: Homeschooling

I forgot to do a Thursday Thirteen last week, so this week you get a double dose (a day late).

First, thirteen things I will miss about homeschooling when the girls start school ...

1. Spending so much time with two of my very favourite people.
2. Being able to get up in the morning whenever we like.
3. Reading good books aloud.
4. Taking day trips and holidays when everyone else is in school.
5. Planning curriculum (even if I do always end up changing my plans!)
6. Getting together with other homeschoolers.
7. Snuggling at home with warm blankets and hot chocolate when everyone else has to go out in the winter cold.
8. No busy work or homework.
9. Tailoring the girls education to their needs and interests.
10. Lots of time to talk.
11. Plenty of time for outside activities.
12. Independence.
13. Flexibility.

On the positive side, here are thirteen things I am looking forward to ...

1. Having lots of time to enjoy Little Cherub.
2. Doing fun toddler things.
3. Having a cleaner, tidier house - at least some of the time.
4. Being able to go to daily Mass more often.
5. Not being responsible for teaching Angel maths.
6. Slower-paced days.
7. Peace and quiet (relatively speaking).
8. Hearing about the girls' school days.
9. Having to arbitrate in less sibling disputes (I hope!)
10. Less juggling of competing and sometimes incompatible needs.
11. Being a kinder, gentler, less stressed mother (again, I hope!)
12. Planning and implementing a new routine.
13. School holidays :)

Children Who Are Not Yet Peaceful

When I posted my summer reading list I forgot to add another book I had ordered ... Children Who Are Not Yet Peaceful, by Donna Bryant Goertz. I had seen it recommended on an email list, and when it arrived I wondered how useful it would be. It is essentially a series of case studies of off-the-wall children in a Montessori early elementary classroom (ages 6 to 9). My eccentric, non-peaceful child is nine, the child I am thinking of taking a Montessori approach with is only one, and this is not a classroom situation. Despite my initial reaction I am finding it an interesting and worthwhile read, both for the insight it provides into how a Montessori classroom works, and for illustrations of ways in which difficult behaviour can be handled respectfully.

The first thing to grab me was this statement in the introduction:

Children today respond to the Montessori prepared environment in various ways, just as they did in the early years. Children who are surrounded at home by excess in the way of toys and pampering require greater talent and effort on the part of the teacher over a longer period of time to reach regular, deep, and lengthy engagement ... children who lead less cluttered and indulged lives respond more immediately to the Montessori classroom.

To what extent do my children have cluttered and indulged lives? Are they surrounded by excess? Are they pampered? In some respects I fear the answer is yes.

What do I need to change?

Food for thought.

A legacy of love

I am way behind on reading my favourite blogs and even further behind in posting here, but when Alice posted this story of A Promise Delayed I was reminded of a family story I discovered recently. I say story, but it is really only the bare bones of one, something I pieced together looking through family papers as I cleared out and packed up my mother's old house.

A while ago I posted on my cookery blog about my Auntie ... technically an adopted great-aunt, but in reality my grandmother in all but name. During our decluttering Mum and I found a box of papers and photos that had belonged to Auntie and Uncle. Among the photos were some of Auntie as a child. Born in 1903, she was the picture of a happy Edwardian childhood ... a contented toddler in frilled petticoats and buttoned boots, and later a smiling family grou0p of a young woman with her mother and father. The photos spoke eloquently of the beloved daughter of proud and doting parents. As indeed she was.

My mother knew that Auntie was an only child. What she did not realise was that her parents married in 1883 (we found their wedding certificate in the same box) and waited twenty long years for this precious child, born when they were both in their forties. Were there lost babies? Was there just month after month after month of bitter disappointment? I don't know ... but I can imagine what joy they must have felt at the arrival of this long awaited daughter.

Auntie herself was childless. She did not marry until she was thirty-five, and there was to be no late in life baby for her. For many years she taught small children, and then found her own family by unofficial adoption - first a lonely young woman whose own mother had shown her no affection, and then that young woman's children ... myself and my brother. Although she died when I was only in my teens, Auntie left the deepest impression on me of all my grandparents, and I realised recently why this was. She possessed what is perhaps one of the most important qualities of motherhood - the ability to make her "children" feel absolutely and unconditionally loved.

I wonder now whether that quality was a fruit of the great love her own parents showed for this child of their later years. If so, then it left an inheritance of love that has passed down the generations of our family. Another find during our clear out was Auntie's engagement ring, which my mother was happy for me to have. I had it altered to fit and now wear it as a reminder ... not just of Auntie herself, but of the warmth of the acceptance, love and joy that she radiated. And I pray that this reminder will help me to pass on to my own children this same warm feeling of knowing themselves unconditionally loved. What a legacy that would be.

How "crunchy" are you?

How "crunchy" are you?

Me? I'm pretty crispy. I think when I first had Angel I was somewhere down in instant oatmeal, but I have got crunchier with each baby. A few more children and I'm sure I would have made it to whole-grain, though maybe not as far as super-nutty.

HT: Michele at Family Centered Life

Hot chocolate and holiness

Every once in a while I read a blog post that has me jumping up and down shouting "yes! YES!". Alice at Cottage Blessings just posted one in which she talks about sowing the seed of faith by building happy memories. Don't miss it!

One of the things I am happiest about this academic year is my new routine of taking one of the older girls to Mass on Tuesday mornings, followed by a treat. This morning was Angel's turn ... Mass, a couple of errands in town and then on to the coffee bar for a caramel latte (me) and hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows (her). It is an extravagance, but it is also money well spent. I'm convinced that building a strong mother-daughter relationship is a top priority as she reaches adolescence - and time to chat while sharing a treat is a great way to do that. It also means that both girls' response to being reminded that it is their turn for Mass in the morning is "great!" ... which is just the response I want! Alice's post reinforced my feeling that taking one morning a week to do this is more important than any academics that get missed as a consequence, and also made me resolve to be more alert to spotting other ways to build the connection between faith and happy memories.

Rule of six

Mary of St.Athanasius Academy has kindly asked me to take part in her Rule of Six carnival and give a list of six things to include in my children's day, every day. My first thought was not a Rule of Six, but a Rule of Three. Everyday my children should have:

• something to love
• something to do
• something to think about

Heard that somewhere before? It comes from Karen Andreola's Charlotte Mason Companion (I had thought it was from Charlotte Mason herself, but after rooting around on the internet and failing to find a reference I think it is Karen A's own interpretation - please correct me if I'm wrong!). And I think the Rule of Three can be quite neatly doubled into six ...

• Love God
• Love our family
  
• Do something worthwhile
  
• Do something fun
  
• Read something worth thinking about
• Discuss something worth thinking about
  

Loveliness of Babies

I sat down yesterday evening looking forward to reading through all the posts at the Loveliness of Babies Fair hosted by Elizabeth at Real Learning. And my internet connection wouldn't work!!!! How unfair is that!

It had come back to life this morning, so I have been sitting in bed with a snoozing Cherub on my lap enjoying a leisurely read. (Lucky it is our half term break!). There are some incredibly moving and heartwarming stories. If you haven't been there yet, don't miss them.